Spa Day

My amazing first grade class gave me a gift certificate to a spa as an end of the year gift! They rock, and might I add that this is the second one that they gave me?!?! Yup...I am spoiled :). I cashed in my spa day yesterday at a spa here in Dallas...it was AMAZING!!! They have a "waterhouse" that has a steam cave, whirlpool, and relaxing sitting area. I enjoyed a drink and the whirlpool before my massage! It was just me, my drink and the whirlpool.... the other people were in the sitting area. It was so nice to just with myself. I have not done that since the week I was miscarriaging and that was not a good time! I sat in the whirlpool chilling and really feeling close to God. We chatted and relaxed and before I knew it, I was being called back for my massage. The 80 minutes of massage was incredible and just got better and better!

There was one point in the massage that really hit my heart. The day that Luke and I found out we were pregnant I was getting a spa pedicure (Which I won from school) with Jenna and the lady put hot towels around my legs and feet. I remember thinking that if I was pregnant this might be too hot, but I did not know for sure until that night :). So when the lady did the same thing yesterday I had the same thought, but then quickly remember that no, I was not. It was not a heart sinking feeling like it has been. It was a cleansing feeling between me and God. I know and feel His presence and I know it is going to be ok.

Yesterday I was pampered and spent the whole day laughing and flirting with my husband :) It was awesome and I loved yesterday :)

summer

Today is the last full day of school and the LAST day of Grace Camp FOREVER!!! Next year I will not have to come to school at 6:30am and stay until 6:15-6:30! I will be able to leave at 3:30 if I wanted to. I am not sure what I think about that. I am a "doer", I love to help and serve and relaxing and taking time for myself is not one of my sweet skills. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I am too good at practicing those relaxing skills when I want to, but to have nothing to do...I think I am going to go crazy!

This summer I will be baby sitting for two families and loving on some awesome kiddos. It is going to be so nice to chill out and do things at my pace. My goals this summer is to make lots of money (ya right), make a baby (Lord willing), read lots of books, and CHILL OUT!!! So there you have it....we will see how this goes.

As far as life goes, things are back to normal (I think), We have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday and I am thinking things will be fine. Luke is going strong through his first summer class and only had like a bagillion more to do! We are still praying and following the Lord's guidance on Haiti.

productivity

I have had my eye open for an armoir for our living room for some time now. These guys are VERY expensive and I just couldn't bring myself to pay full price for one. So I have been stalking Craig's list, ebay, and Luke's closet just waiting for one! No luck! Two days ago out of the blue Luke was walking in the student center at his school and noticed someone was selling one for $40!!!!!!!!!! These guys can go for $400.00!!! So we got it :) It looks awesome in our living room! Yesterday Luke picked it up, got it in the car, and lugged it (with help from our apartment guy, he helped Luke on the last step), and got it in our living room all by himself. Then he went back to school. He picked me up from school at 6, we raced home, changed and rode 4 miles on our awesome bicycles, then came home cleaned, and perfected the living room, I did laundry (which is done and I have no clothes to wash)! We were SUPER productive last night! I got to school this morning (late for me) at 7:15, and oh, did I mention that I do not have any grading to do because I did all of that yesterday!?!?!? Yup, I think I am getting back to normal! Thank you hormones for FINALLY getting back to where you are suppose to be!

Doctors

Luke and I went to the doctor's (AGAIN) today and things are still going well. The tech chick seemed impressed that I haven't had any medication for this. I don't like taking that kind of stuff if I don't have too, and I really like being in touch with my body. So this has been some of the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever been in, but all I have taken is advil (and that I only took twice).

So healing and physical pain is going down, while it seems my emotions are going through the roof! I thought as hormones go down so don't the flair ups of emotions! I think I have been more emotional this weekend and today then I have been throughout the pregnancy and miscarriage! Crazy! Someone today asked me how I was doing, and sometimes I put my super cape on and say that I am doing great (which sometimes I feel strong and like I am doing ok), but this time I said "ok, getting there". Then the person asked how my heart was.....I almost bursted into tears right then and there! My heart....I think I have kinda locked that away while I was trying to deal with the physical pain and now it is bursting through those doors and consuming me! I wish it would just go back to being locked up! I feel much stronger when it is, and more in control with myself! Reality is I can't and so here I am a big ball of mush!

Sad day

One week from today I lost our precious baby....I thought I was doing ok emotionally, but these darn hormones are working their way down and out and have me going crazy! I am fine one second and then the next I am the biggest baby ever. Goodness! On the up side I am feeling 100 times better and looking forward to our appointment on Monday to know for sure how my body is doing.

Tonight Luke and I are getting all dressed up and going to a big black tie event in a very fancy hotel to celebrate Haiti's flag day with a bunch of Haitians!! We are SUPER excited!

Ouch

Monday I came home from work early, and in a lot of pain. Tuesday I came home early from works and in even more pain! Wednesday I just didn't go into work, and guess what?!? A LOT of pain. Here we are...Thursday I am ye again bound to the couch with my legs up not in as much pain as early this week, but still have some. Resting and being still helps tremendously...but I just don't want to sit around all day. I am feeling a lot better and my plan is to either go to work tomorrow or cut my insides out because I am done playing this game.

I was laying in the clinic f our school Tuesday morning because I could not stand up straight! With some amazing godly women around me trying to convince me that I was going home and that I needed to take the next day off! In my head I know i needed to rest, but in my heart I wanted everything to be normal. I knew that I was going to be an emotional roller coaster and I could control that, but the pain and what my body is going through I did not expect! I figured the trauma of being in the ER Saturday and all that passing the baby would be it and I could go back to normal... NO ONE told me about what happens next. The doctor just gave me a prescription for Vicodine and told me I would need that! At first I looked at Luke and just wondered why they would prescribe such a strong medication for something that already took place, but I found out why later! I went to my OB Monday and they said my body was cleaning itself out, but no one said how or how much pain that would entail. Then they called to check on me Tuesday, I told them how much pain I was in and their response was "oh yeah, that is normal. Take the vicodine and try to lay down as much as you can". Thanks for the help!

I decided then to listen to my body, because God created it to handle these kinds of things. I have been laying down, still, and board out of my mind! It has been good because I can feel it helping. I have not taken the vicodine and my body must be doing a great job at cleaning because I have NEVER been in this much pain before! It is ok, each time I hurt I have been making up a song and that helps, maybe someday I will share that funny song with you...not right now because I am still adding to it :)

I miss my students and cannot wait to get back to normal. All you who have shared stories, hugs, comments here and on facebook, sent flowers....you guys rock! They have all helped so much and thank you! I have the best husband in the world! I have royally messed up his school schedule and yesterday he stayed home with me. I told him to go to school because he cannot help me heal, and he said no he can't, but he can help my heart! He is awesome and I do not deserve him!

After

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I have to say that I was sad on Mother's Day, but I do not have any negative feelings towards Mother's Day. I really feel like Luke and I will be able to conceive again and have a bunch of amazing children, and if for some reason we cannot or don't, we re going to move to Haiti where I am almost positive we will be adopting at least a million! :)

The pain and emptiness I feel stinks, but it is going to be ok. We went to the doctor today and everything seemed fine. The doctor feels that there was something wrong with the baby. It was not growing correctly and the body just knows what do do. Physically I am fine, no problems with anything and after 1 cycle we can try again. Who knows when that will happen, but we are praying for quick healing and a normal cycle (which I have always had).

I cannot tell you how much it has helped me to have all of your love and support! The Facebook messages and even the secret ones (all you know who you are), were so encouraging and helpful! I found such peace through you and from this doctor's appointment we feel uplifted and know that God has a plan, even if we do not understand it...that is when it is so comforting to have someone BIGGER then you to cling too, and that is exactly what we are doing. Thanks again!

Please join us in praying for a quick healing! I go back to the doctor next Monday for a check up! Love you all so much!

Gone

Well, our first doctor's appointment was Thursday! It was the coolest thing to lay on the doctor's bed and see my precious fetus pumping it's little heart! Also, on Thursday I had my routine pap smear which every women looks forward too (ya right!). After the appointment the doctor said "you may spot, but that is completely normal". I never, ever, never, EVER spot after these things, but sure enough I did on this one. Then it kept going...Friday I cam home from work with cramps, but couldn't tell if they were gas or what. I called the doctor who said, it was probably fine, but if it gets worse in any way to call back. Yesterday it did, and I called, and before I knew it I was heading to the ER with the chance that I was having a miscarriage....I was losing my baby. I got tons of blood taken out, tons of questions that needed to be answered, and a lot of waiting that needed to be done, and then FINALLY we were off to get a sonogram...... The tech asked to me to go to the bathroom to empty my bladder so that they could see what was going on better. When I went to the bathroom I knew I lost it, I will save you the gross details, but let me tell you it was traumatizing and something I will never forget! Once back on the bed for the sonogram, the tech was looking for something I knew no longer was there, she took pictures of kidneys, stomach, uterus...EVERYTHING! Poor Luke was looking over her shoulder and I knew he was looking for the answers to the questions going through his head; the ones I already knew the answers too. Later we were back in our room and the doctor came to confirm the worst...we lost our baby! It was sad and still is sad, but 50% of women miscarry within their first 20 weeks, and the chances of miscarrying again after that are 1%....so as far as we were told there is noting wrong with me and we will be trying again! It just wan't meant to be for this little one to come into the world. It was an awesome 7 weeks, and I thank God for every second of it!

Pregnant?!?!?

March 16th I went to Haiti to visit Luke who had been there doing earthquake relief work! Luke was in Haiti for about 2 months, so I was VERY excited to finally get to see him! Luke came back to Dallas a week later, and two weeks after that we found out we were pregnant!! I had been feeling a little "different" and knew something was up! I had the normal signs of pregnancy including spotting as the egg implanted, feeling sore as my hormones started pumping, and TIRED!! I wanted to take a test, but Luke wanted to wait until we were officially "late". The Thursday before I was "late" I begged Luke to let me get a test and he said yes. As I was in the car on the way to trusty walmart I started to freak! What if the test was positive? Negative? I didn't want this to be a depressing event if it was negative, but a "not yet, so we can keep having fun"! So wile walking into he store to get the test and all the way home I was praying. I was feeling quite peaceful if the test were to come out negative. I was relieved almost.

I finally got home, went into the bathroom, took the test, and immediately turned it over so I would not see it. Then I took it to the kitchen, set the timer, and joined Luke on the couch....longest three minutes EVER! When the timer went off I went to turn it off, Luke was still on the couch. I turned the test over and screamed!!! "I AM PREGNANT!!! LUKE WE ARE PREGNANT!!!" Luke just looked at me! I was freaking out because I totally expected the test to be negative! It was positive and we were going to have a baby!!! Now what?!?!!? Luke told me after I calmed down that by my scream he was not sure if my scream was good or bad...I was that surprised!

Now, when we went to the doctor we found out that my body was tricky and I am not as far along as we thought. We are only 6 weeks and 3 days instead of 8 weeks. The doctor said the heart beat looked strong and the baby looked good. We are totally excited!